you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
