my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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