i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize