I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
