nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
