the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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