Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
