I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
