This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
