So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
