Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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