Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
my shit smells like andre
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
