My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
