I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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