watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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