I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
