Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
