I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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