I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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