I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I wish life had little blips of pornography
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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