I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
