I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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