Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize