Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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