i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
