I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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