Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
