I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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