You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
