textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
