Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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