i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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