would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
