She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Floor bacon is actually really good
Randomize
