3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize