Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
