Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize