walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
