shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
i now understand why vodka
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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