did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
