idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
try to milk me bitch
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