I wanna bring you to show and tell
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
