Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
