The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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