plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
smell my finger.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
