I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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