the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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