Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
