sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
