Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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