Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
