Jerry, you need to find god
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
