You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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