I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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