i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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